Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I want her autograph on my taint
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
