we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Randomize
