It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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