Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
