We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
My feet surprised me
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