dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I would fuck him just for his dog
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