Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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