I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
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