so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
