Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
So... he formspringed me a link to every nude pic ive taken since he 8th grade. ive evolved nicely. but im nervous as to how this a website.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
