Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Randomize
