Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
