I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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