I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
i now understand why vodka
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
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