I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
