i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
