You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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