yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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