fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
I deserve this hangover.
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