You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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