Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I FOUND THE LEGS
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Randomize
