I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
