and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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