Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
you never un-have a 4some
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Randomize
