you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
