Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
