I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
