it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
