We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
