I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
