In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Randomize
