so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Randomize
