Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Randomize
