Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
