So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
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