Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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