The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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