I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
