all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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