I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
