my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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