Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
