Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Someone signed my nipple.
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