Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
