I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
