just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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