So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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