You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
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