This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
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