If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
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