i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
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