I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
handjob tips. give me some.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Randomize
