and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize
