where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
