Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
The Olympian is in my bed
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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