Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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