i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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