Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
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