Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Randomize
